My Own Game of Devil's Advocate

Ah, where to start? So much has gone so very wrong lately. And I still can't help thinking that there are others who have things much worse. Call me a hypocrite if you wish but as much as I hate the current food stamp program, without it, my family wouldn't be eating very much. It's totally insane that a retired Air Force Tech Sergeant cannot get a decent job no matter how many times he puts in an application, no matter what his job skills amount to, no matter how much previous experience he has. It's even worse that because of his disabilities, he can't put in applications at the most available jobs, such as fast food restaurants and retail stores because he cannot stand on his feet all day. It sucks that he is willing to work, yea even /eager/ to work and yet we still wonder how we will make ends meet from day to day. We had to make a decision this month on which bills to pay and which ones we were going to have to make mad. If nothing happens within the next couple of weeks, I'm sure the nasty grams and hate calls will begin. This is without a doubt preying on my mind. But there are people in this same situation everywhere and probably a good many who are worse off.

On top of this jobless state, wherein we find ourselves with very little money left in the bank and still over half a month left to go before we get our paltry retirement check, our stove will not work correctly. The lights work perfectly. The clock works just fine. However, pretty lights and an accurate clock do not cook food very well. The burners and the oven will not warm. We don't use a microwave so it looks like salad and/or sandwiches for a while until we figure out how to fix it ourselves b/c we surely cannot pay someone to fix it for us. And the warranty is no longer good.

We live in Louisiana. In the summer, you need AC...preferably an AC that works correctly. Our window unit in our family room is not working correctly and until we figure out why, we cannot run it. It is leaking so badly that its becoming a danger. We have cleaned it and adjusted the angle many times and still it leaks into the house.

The floor in our master bathroom must be redone...completely. The toilet is threatening to fall through the floor at the least provocation. We cannot afford to redo it now so we are down to using the hall bath. I'm thankful that we have a hall bath to use.

My list of things to do and complete keeps growing and growing and growing and there is nothing else I can do about any of it. Nothing I say will make any of it better. So I sit here. And I wait. And I'm bad at waiting. I get morose and antsy and frustrated. And I snap a lot. Much like a wounded animal, I suppose. Or maybe like an animal in it's old age that just wants to sleep. But I will not sleep. I cannot sleep on the job. I will do whatever I can. I will do something positive. I will fingerpaint with my kids today. I only have black tempera paint and brown paper bags but it's something. And it can be something positive. I have material and I have patterns and I can sew. Even if my machine breaks, I can hand sew. I can be productive and be positive. And I know that if I keep at it, tomorrow will be better. It has to be better...right?

Remember to breathe...

When Inspiration Hits

Mercy! I have been on a song writing kick over the last few months. For about 5 or 6 years I didn't write anything. My well of inspiration was like water in a desert...non-existent or cunningly disguised. It's interesting that during those years, I felt pretty happy and content most of the time and had lots to do and places to go. Now that we're back in my hometown with little to do and fewer places we can go, I have more time for reflection, I suppose. The first song that I wrote after moving back home was written at midnight. Everyone in my house had long since gone to sleep and I was preparing to do the same when...KABLAM! Inspiration hit. I was finished with the song in approximately 30 minutes. It was short but it was a song and the chords flowed well. I was ecstatic! Six years of nothing and then, "Oh! Here ya go." So the next song I wrote was a silly song, dedicated to my morning coffee. The one after that, I wrote last month and it was a slow, mournful sounding song of hope. And I'm working on another one. This one is really difficult. I'm struggling to pull it out of me, probably because my spirit and mind are all jumbled up with the stress we are going through as a family. I refuse to stop working on it, though. This one could be really big for me, big in many ways. It should have a very 'full' sound and be like "Leave It" by Yes...though probably not as epic. *Laughing at myself* I want it to be one of those songs that is capable of reaching many people in many walks of life. I want it to be a song that you can blast out of the speakers while you lay on the floor with your eyes closed, letting the sounds surround you like a loved one's arms. It's slow going, but it's getting there. And I'm pretty sure the journey to create 'epic' takes a bit longer than the stuff I usually come up with. It's ironic that I, myself, am more like that quick stuff that I usually write. Always hopping from one thing to the next, not really slowing down much, never reaching perfection but always striving for it...yeah, that's kinda like me. On another note, it's been really great to sing again. Throughout those 6 years of being away from my hometown, where I could sing all the time in church, I had fewer occasions to sing. It's nice to have a place to sing again. It helps that the people I sing with are pretty cool folks. But my favorite kind of singing is the kind you do in a jam session-no pressure at all, just a bunch of people having fun. I've got to figure out how to get one of these set up so that all my friends will be able to attend. I am going to begin working on a couple of pirate shirts for my husband and myself. Why? Because I can and because everyone should have a pirate shirt. I'm fully convinced of this. :) I hope they come out well! Lastly, I refuse to grow up. I will be like Peter Pan. I know I have to be an adult sometimes, because I'm a mom and we kinda have to do that but... I will retain as much of my innocence as possible and enjoy life like a child would as much as I can. We only have one life to live. I want mine to be full of all things good. I want to enjoy the things I like to the fullest. I want to share awesome things with the people I love and care about. I want to cherish the freedom I have in this country that I love. I want to always keep learning new and interesting things. Gosh! I'm a bit selfish (or maybe self-centered) today, I think! Laugh a lot and remember to breathe!